Expect delays

The Port of Melbourne's signs, warning of cruise-ship related traffic, are puzzling in a couple of ways. For starters there never really seems to be any more traffic than, say, from the daily arrival of a 2.5km line of vehicles from Tassie.

However even more puzzling is the apparently random selection of dockings warranting these signs. Never is this more evident than when the world's largest ocean liner arrives, yet the signs are for up for the turnaround visit of the 30% smaller Dawn Princess the next day. The Herald Sun had some great photographs though illustrating the scale of the vessel.

Open top bus

Considering that in a week's time we will play host to the first of over sixty cruise ship arrivals this summer, those of us away from Station Pier rarely see an identifiable tourist. So the thrice daily arrival of a bright (and typically empty) red bus down Bay Street, with commentary on the former court house blaring from its open roof top, comes as a bit of surprise. However the inclusion of a liner in the livery gives a hint as to the perceived attraction of passing through Port Melbourne.

The St Kilda/South Melbourne Tour is a recent value add to City Sightseeing's hop on/off city tour. Although, at $35 a day it's a ticket in desperate need of value given that the main city loop follows a very similar route to the long running Melbourne Visitor Shuttle bus which costs a mere $5 a day.

For any tourists that might stumble across this page, may I suggest you save yourself some money (and have rather more of a flexible adventure) as follows...

Precious memory?

There can be few cities in the world where couples routinely go out of their way to have official wedding photos taken in front of the long distance ferry terminal. Admittedly Port Melbourne is easier on the eye than most (including, it has to be said, Devonport on the opposite site of the Bass Strait), but it's still remarkably incongruous seeing brides stumbling awkwardly across the beach, whilst simultaneously flicking sand into their trails.

Today's happy couples were treated, not just to near perfect weather, but also to the backdrop of a second maritime monster in the form of Voyager of the Seas. Apparently the 3,800 cashed-up passengers aboard the mega cruise ship were estimated to spend a million dollars during their day-trip. However, unless they were very well camouflaged, none of them seemed to make it as far as Bay Street, let alone Gasworks park where they could've sat in the sun enjoying a free concert from The Twoks.

Snail pace

It's not just Grid Maps that seem to believe that Bay Street shopping heaven starts somewhere around seven:am. This tourist-oriented sign on the corner of Rouse Street continues a Port Melbourne trend for bizarre estimated walking distances given that Miishu, and a dozen other shops, lie literally within feet.

Perhaps the likes of Thomas Dux et al weren't there when this sign was installed, but the same surely can't be said for the few remaining Victorian shopfronts on the other side of Bay Street.

Phantom park

There is another Port Melbourne guide out there. It's a colourful folded map widely circulated at tourist spots throughout the city by Grid Maps, who have much more up-to-date advertisers than Civic Guide. It's centred around Albert Park, also covers South Melbourne and Middle Park (although oddly doesn't stretch to include Station Pier), and shows the location of advertisers, commercial strips and parks. However despite being published in 2010, the current version manages errors in all three categories.

It's understandable that it might still show the former location of Emma Jay Designs before they moved on, however it does the remaining business owners of Bay Street a bigger disservice (particularly those toward the beach end), by erroneously showing the commercial strip ending shortly after Coles. And the residents of the mostly Victorian houses that back onto Drysdale Street are in for even more of a shock, as apparently they live on open parkland!

Blue bike invasion

It's nearly eighteen months since the controversial Melbourne Bike Share scheme launched, and now some bike stations have even arrived on our foreshore, just in time for Ride to Work Day. It makes perfect sense really with the great bike path into the city easily achievable within the 30 minute per trip charging model. Although it's a shame (especially for energetic cruise ship arrivals) that the map displayed beside the bikes inexplicably hasn't yet been updated to include the station itself, or the next one along the beach at Kerferd Road.

For Port Melbourne residents without a bike (or perhaps somewhere to store one) of their own, it's extremely cost effective to use at $50 a year. Of course for the $2.50 a day casual users, there is still the headache of complying with helmet legislation. The nearest 7-Eleven (which allegedly sells subsidised helmets for $5) is all the way up at the top of Pickles Street, which could explain why a station has also appeared one block down at the junction of Dorcas Street.

Crime scene

An unexpected boost to Port Melbourne tourism comes in the form of the Melbourne Crime Tour. Despite Underbelly's dramatisation of the underworld hit on Victor Peirce being set outside his home, a local tour company is apparently including the actual location on one of its tours. Victor Peirce was shot dead, nearly a decade ago, in his car opposite Coles on the 2nd May 2002.

Makes a change from bewildered cruise ship passengers wondering where to buy Melbourne souvenirs I suppose.

Wonky welcome

Today marks the start of the cruise ship season proper, with the arrival of the 1,900 berth Pacific Sun in time for the Melbourne Cup. Walking along Station Pier when it's empty, you can get an idea of what visitor's first impressions of the place might be. The collection of palm trees at Beacon Cove, with the city in the background is quite inviting, however turn the corner on to Waterfront Place and you're greeted with this, seriously drunk, welcome sign.

I know that the number of visitors arriving by ship is tiny, but I can't help thinking that the city should invest a fraction of its Tullamarine advertising budget in welcoming these well-to-do travellers. After all they're more likely to be taking pictures to take home at this point than your average long haul airport arrival.