Puntastic

For a long time Bay Street neighbours Mane Attraction and Murphy's Paw had cornered the market for local pun-based business names. Whilst at the other end of town Rex Hunt's D'Lish Fish has long opted instead for cacography to welcome Tasmanians to our state. However relative newcomer Skewer'd has followed this unnecessary abbreviation precedent, and now Simple Affair has morphed into Brew'd Awakening, which manages to combine both techniques.

The worst language offender by far though would have to have been the frankly appalling "Gorjuss" hair salon. So my inner spelling snob was quietly relieved when they were promptly replaced by Laiba's (whose letters you certainly wouldn't want to misorder). But that relief proved short-lived as, with the invasion of coiffeurs showing no sign whatsoever of abating, just two doors down, this cringe inducing specimen appeared.

Erinsborough

TV shows like The Block offer enticing glimpses of the potential riches to be had from buying properties and then squeezing the maximum renovation return from them. What they don't show however is the effect on both neighbours, and neighbourhood, from months of major construction work. And once focussed on profit, rather than say improving your own home, developers have minimal incentive for showing any respect or compassion for those nearby whose communal facilities, and vista, and parking, and morning sleep, are inevitably impacted in the pursuit of their prize.

Which is why I feel particularly sorry for this house facing Edwards Park which has the severe misfortune of demolition and construction occurring on both sides. In place of a single brick built bungalow to the right, they currently have a masterclass in selfish development, in the shape of a grossly out of proportion giant polystyrene Esky, complete with underground parking and real-estate agent friendly roof-top terrace. It remains to be seen what the other, slimmer, half of this sandwich of misfortune will look like.

Domino effect

Port Melbourne's post office moved from the building opposite the Exchange Hotel around 1910, just in time for the beginning of the reign of King George, as signified upon its Palladian gabled front. I wouldn't have thought there was much sadder fate for such significant heritage building, than to be lying forlornly empty for years. That is until I saw the eventual replacement for Bay Street's sorely missed Readings bookstore.

For a supposedly health-obsessed suburb, Port Melbourne already has a plentiful supply of pizza vendors, so the garish arrival of the world's biggest pizza chain is ... a disappointment. It's a great pity that the inventive pattern of reuse set by Corte couldn't have been followed here. I had my hopes set on some Latin spark establishing Port Melbourne's first taqueria. Instead we just have mopeds cluttering the pavement and a yawn-worthy menu of cheese overload.

Bertie's best

The irony of Matilda Bay's latest billboard, drawing attention to their rather excellent (if you can find it) brew bar, is rich. As thanks to the corporate know-it-alls that have already seen Australia's original craft brewery unceremoniously dragged from Perth to Dandenong to Port Melbourne, come March next year Bunnings will revert to being the best thing about Bertie Street.

It seems that the award winning Alpha Pale Ale, like the rest of their range, is destined to arrive by big red boat having been brewed at Hobart's mega-brewery; thus consigning Matilda Bay to be just another fake craft badge applied to CUB's yawn-worthy portfolio. And of course it means the loss of our very own local brewery, make the most of this little hidden gem whilst you still can.

London for sale

Despite a menu focussed on pricey pizzas, the London Hotel seemed to have built up a healthy trade in the six months or so since its reincarnation, and barely a week ago it was rated 3AW's pub of the week. Which makes the news that the pub (as opposed to the business) is up for auction in two week's time, all the more puzzling.

Let's hope that whoever buys it isn't intent on sticking apartments there, and instead decides to have another crack at making a successful business out of the iconic art deco building with the ridiculously good views. Surely it can't be that hard?

Got what?

The cover of the recently delivered glossy propoganda piece described as 3207 Port Melbourne Magazine includes a potential replacement tagline for the ill conceived You should see us now. However it does beg the question what is it that Port (with the dove-like apostrophe) has got ... VD?

Apparently, Port is the "heart of wellness" in Melbourne. Or to put it another way ... perhaps what Port's got, is a hypochondria and vanity problem. However this is from the same Business Association that have yet to notice the departure of Readings, C'est Bon, Pepe Jeans, iFrame, Mr Squeeze, the Tallship Cafe, or the locksmith and whose "news" includes hugely out of date info about the borough's punt service.

Faded Rose

It's not a good time for Port Melbourne pubs. The Hibernian burnt down, and then no sooner had The London closed its doors, than the flag stopped flying at The Rose.

UPDATE: It looks like the pub will reopen as the Rose Diner and Bar in January.

Not fat enough

Spencer's Guide is now getting close to a thousand hits a month, and the most popular post by far is this one. As Hollyhock have recently extended their restaurant I went down to check it out and to see whether they'd taken any note of my comment on the enticing sounding, but dissappointing, "fat chips" on their menu.

The answer, as you can see, is an emphatic No. I'm sorry but these bog-standard frozen chips are just not worthy of their chubby label!

Missing army

One of fourteen former hotels still standing in Port Melbourne, the Army and Navy is about to be subsumed into the, remarkably misleadingly named, Waterside apartment development.

For the time being the 1866 structure stands alone, although since this picture was taken the building has become obscured by elevated contruction cabins. Maybe it's to cover up for the fact that on the artist's impressions of the finished building (which artistically also show festive Dow Street as a free-flowing road without parked cars), the pub is incorrectly shown as just the Navy Hotel.

This pub closed back in 1915, which is perhaps no bad thing given the friendliness of the landlord.

Don't touch the button

Not the best publicity for Port Melbourne today thanks to public toilet fittings with more than thirty times acceptable levels of germs.

The measurements were taken Bio-Clean, whose normal business is the even less cheery job of cleaning up after violent deaths.

T'Rex

Occupying a prominent spot overlooking the Graham Street junction, The Rex is a very familiar landmark of Port Melbourne, although perhaps not really in a good way. It's currently sporting an odd two-tone colour scheme reminiscent of a 50's american car, and it's not entirely clear whether this is just the half-way stage of a Chequers style makeover.

It's unlikely however that it will lose its TAB, Tatts & Pokies livery though, with annual turnover from its gaming machines alone apparently exceeding $6m. Unlike the Clare Castle just up the road, The Rex is a pure gambling venue which, despite being housed in the former Victoria Hotel building, has no redeeming pub qualities other than the abilitiy to buy beer ... for drinking at your pokie machine. It does however raise funds for our local VFL team.

Beers on tap: Carlton Draught, VB, Pure Blonde, Hahn Light
Wine range: Unknown
Parma: No
Gastro: No way
Tradie vs Yuppy: Welcomes any class of gambling addict

Wonky welcome

Today marks the start of the cruise ship season proper, with the arrival of the 1,900 berth Pacific Sun in time for the Melbourne Cup. Walking along Station Pier when it's empty, you can get an idea of what visitor's first impressions of the place might be. The collection of palm trees at Beacon Cove, with the city in the background is quite inviting, however turn the corner on to Waterfront Place and you're greeted with this, seriously drunk, welcome sign.

I know that the number of visitors arriving by ship is tiny, but I can't help thinking that the city should invest a fraction of its Tullamarine advertising budget in welcoming these well-to-do travellers. After all they're more likely to be taking pictures to take home at this point than your average long haul airport arrival.

You should see us now

What's with all those cheesy banners along Bay Street? I suppose they're meant to help us identify with the individual personalities of local businesses, and in the process somehow enhance the sense of community. At first glance it seems that they've received universal support, however if you look closely you'll see that there's actually only 7 or 8 faces repeated along the strip. The community 'face' of faceless corporation Nando's is particularly amusing...

On the bottom of each banner is the tag line "You should see us now" (albeit in a font too small to be readable from ground level). Stripped of its advertising agency wrapping, this seems to translate to "Port Melbourne - it's not the dump you remember". Let's look forward to a time when the town is a little more sure of itself ... and not publicly represented by a chicken burger.

Empty Bowl

No sooner had I decided to start a guide to the better things in Port Melbourne than one of my favourites goes tits up...

 

Up until recently, the terminally under-promoted Bowl of Soul served up some of the most fantastic burgers I've ever tasted (meat or vego). They offered an astonishingly varied menu of very fresh, very colourful and very tall burgers. However they didn't do chips, they didn't always open, and sadly most of their target market lives on the other side of the Yarra.