Puntastic

For a long time Bay Street neighbours Mane Attraction and Murphy's Paw had cornered the market for local pun-based business names. Whilst at the other end of town Rex Hunt's D'Lish Fish has long opted instead for cacography to welcome Tasmanians to our state. However relative newcomer Skewer'd has followed this unnecessary abbreviation precedent, and now Simple Affair has morphed into Brew'd Awakening, which manages to combine both techniques.

The worst language offender by far though would have to have been the frankly appalling "Gorjuss" hair salon. So my inner spelling snob was quietly relieved when they were promptly replaced by Laiba's (whose letters you certainly wouldn't want to misorder). But that relief proved short-lived as, with the invasion of coiffeurs showing no sign whatsoever of abating, just two doors down, this cringe inducing specimen appeared.

Masala choices

After a short-lived run as Badyals (complete with misguided World-on-a-plate external graphics which made it look like it must be a travel agent) the tired exterior of the former Bengal Tiger has been stripped back to reveal the original exterior tiling of the Nelson Hotel. Following successive failed experiments now at operating a successful Indian restaurant on this corner (and with Montague Street's other pub building currently laying empty) I'd imagine that there's a plot twist in store in the next chapter of the landmark. 

Which is good news for tiny upstart My Masala, who popped up unexpectedly not far along City Road last year, in the narrow terrace next door to the wondrous Wayside Inn. Peering through the window it really does look like this is a restaurant of just four tables; although in reality there is a second, even more bijou, room behind. However some tasteful decorative touches manage to make the modest little restaurant welcoming once you step past the vivid livery.

Expect delays

The Port of Melbourne's signs, warning of cruise-ship related traffic, are puzzling in a couple of ways. For starters there never really seems to be any more traffic than, say, from the daily arrival of a 2.5km line of vehicles from Tassie.

However even more puzzling is the apparently random selection of dockings warranting these signs. Never is this more evident than when the world's largest ocean liner arrives, yet the signs are for up for the turnaround visit of the 30% smaller Dawn Princess the next day. The Herald Sun had some great photographs though illustrating the scale of the vessel.

TruGo or not Trugo

They may have cost thirty grand, but this year's festive silhouettes continue a creative trend unseen in Melbourne's other inner suburbs, this time playing on familiar local sights, including the quirky sport of Trugo quietly practiced in two locations within our borders.

My personal favourite is the One Oh Nine on the window of Vogue Avenue, however the greatest concentration of feature displays lies within the Thomas Dux section of town. Take a peek below the fold if you can't (or can't be bothered to) find them all.

Clarice Road

As desperately antiquated sources of community information go, the town's mustard yellow Civic Guides are, right now, blisteringly up-to-date. Well insofar as the advertisers of "local services" appear to all still be trading anyway. It's a little hard to be sure of this point as half of them are from South Melbourne, the reach of the map having been extended accordingly. It's a somewhat amusing indication of the update interval of these "guides" that Bank of Melbourne can have died, gone to heaven, and been resurrected since its appearance on the previous incarnation.

Still, it's a whole lot better than this guide to Port Melbourne which, aside from containing the kind of overtly flattering language that the business association likes to peddle, contains a list of what appear to be phantom restaurants. I can't say for definite that the Komeyui Japanese restaurant on Bay Street (which was for a long time prior a French restaurant) never traded as Amber Indian Restaurant. However I am confident that we've never had a Clarice Road Sandwich Bar, largely as we don't have a Clarice Road ... on this matter the Civic Guides and I agree.

Nagging numbats

After a rather lame attempt two year's back, the Port Melbourne Christmas decorations took an inspired turn for the better last year, with a street full of gold stencilled windows. This year that successful formula has evolved into an even more creative set of white vinyl, with each shop-front appearing unique. Even the vacant old Readings store has them ... which makes their absence from the likes of Optus, NAB and Witchery seem all the more Grinch-like.

The current wacky weather has helped diminish the absurdity of a snow-scape in summer, and this is eased further by the clever inclusion of native animals amongst the traditional reindeer, bunnies and partridges. It's hard not to notice the giant emu, but you have to be paying careful attention to realise that all twelve days of Australian Christmas have been accounted for (and that one shop's display is not entirely white)...

Season's end

And so another season of cruise ship arrivals comes to and end with the Easter Sunday berthing of both the Volendam and Dawn Princess at Station Pier.

This means we should get another six months off seeing those strange Port of Melbourne signs that seem to randomly warn of traffic chaos for some ships and not others (when in reality there's rarely any anyway).

Buttock wiggler

The industrial North of Port Melbourne was in the Herald Sun at the weekend, with a stunningly useless artist's impression, thanks to the state government's proposed creation of a 'revolutionary' new high density residential zone on Fishermans Bend. However it was a different story that caught my attention.

It seems that it's not just me that has noticed that there's either some temporal disturbances under our very noses, or the council recruited a buttock wiggling speed walker and a hobbling slow coach to come up with its transit times. This is evidenced particularly clearly on this bin (the two arrows for the beach point the same way down Bay Street).

Snail pace

It's not just Grid Maps that seem to believe that Bay Street shopping heaven starts somewhere around seven:am. This tourist-oriented sign on the corner of Rouse Street continues a Port Melbourne trend for bizarre estimated walking distances given that Miishu, and a dozen other shops, lie literally within feet.

Perhaps the likes of Thomas Dux et al weren't there when this sign was installed, but the same surely can't be said for the few remaining Victorian shopfronts on the other side of Bay Street.

Resolute Rudolph

I don't know, or frankly care, exactly when Christmas decorations are meant to come down ... but I'm pretty sure that it's before Coles start selling Easter eggs.

Yet, possibly the most famous name on Bay Street, Troy Lupoi and his Westpac branch appear firmly in the festive spirit. Shame that spirit didn't exactly shine through with today's mortgage rate hike.

Graphical guide

Avid readers of the Port Philip Weekly free paper may have noticed a familiar story recently about the near useless 'Civic Guides' that dot the suburb. In fairness there is actually a much more useful guide map provided by the council at the tram terminus. Unfortunately for a casual visitor, it covers an excessively large area, was produced before the advent of the bike share scheme, and has a walking time to South Melbourne of 35 minutes from there ... which must've been tested by the resident speed walker.

It would be great if maps like these appeared at the Civic Guide sites. Although I suspect that for most lost souls on Bay Street all they really want to know is a) which side streets have shops and cafes on them, and b) which way is it to the nearest tram stop? So here, in an attempt to answer these questions, is Spencer's very own unofficial graphical guide to Port Melbourne...

Festive Rex

The Rex (which, alongwith The Beach at Albert Park, is continuing its attempt to forge a new fashion in two-tone pub exteriors) has been without its Fox Sports and Monthly Drink Specials signage for a good while now. I don't know if this has affected their bottom line, but it has certainly helped the gaming venue blend in with its neighbours.

Currently the windows are sporting a series of gold baubles which, it turns out, are this year's Port Melbourne Christmas decorations. Though not immediately apparent, they have been applied to almost every business window along Bay and neighbouring streets, which is a nice effect.

India on Rouse

Finally, after months of vigorous campaigning (well, the odd grumble here and there), Port Melbourne is set to get its very own Indian restaurant.  

Contrary to the implication from its name, the India on Bay is on Rouse Street, the short section of which either side of Bay Street must surely have the highest density of eateries in town. The owners already run a couple of restaurants in Richmond, so I am hopeful that it will be not just authentic but high quality too.

21-12-2011 Update: The restaurant is now open for business :-)

Civic guide

I know that it's far from a unique Port Melbourne phenomenom, but why do we have not one but two daggy, eighties-era, "Civic Guides" on Bay Street? Aside from being rendered largely redundant as a concept by Google Maps et al, they are also both hideously out of date.

 

This one advertises the services of the Keg Restaurant & Bar, Securaway Storage, Terry Hammond Cycles, Bank of Melbourne and, slightly bizarrely, Albert Park Inline Skates ... all of which appear to now be defunct (or at least renamed).

Let's do the time warp

If you get off the tram at the Graham Street stop, you'll find a sign pointing towards Bay Street suggesting an estimated walking time (downhill it would seem) of four minutes...

...then approximately 2 minutes later when you're beside the beautiful overpass, having walked in the indicated direction, you'll come past this mathematically puzzling sign (and the sky may suddenly cloud over)...

So the inevitable questions are: What route did the person who came up with the 4 minute sign take to achieve that time? Was there once a little skate board beneath the little man's feet? Did the powers that be worry that an accurate 8 minute estimate might deter visitors drawn to the shopping Mecca that is Bay Street from actually disembarking? Or is this one of several wormholes lurking within the district?

Bubble talk

Like the nanny state stencil on Bay Street, I've only just noticed this message high on a local wall, although for all I know it could have been their for ages. It faces Laureate, the latest development of 43 houses priced from a, jaw-dropping, $1.8m.

Although not a permanent defacement, it carries a similar mix of humour and thought. Perhaps Port Melbourne isn't quite as conventional as it first seems.

Wonky welcome

Today marks the start of the cruise ship season proper, with the arrival of the 1,900 berth Pacific Sun in time for the Melbourne Cup. Walking along Station Pier when it's empty, you can get an idea of what visitor's first impressions of the place might be. The collection of palm trees at Beacon Cove, with the city in the background is quite inviting, however turn the corner on to Waterfront Place and you're greeted with this, seriously drunk, welcome sign.

I know that the number of visitors arriving by ship is tiny, but I can't help thinking that the city should invest a fraction of its Tullamarine advertising budget in welcoming these well-to-do travellers. After all they're more likely to be taking pictures to take home at this point than your average long haul airport arrival.

You should see us now

What's with all those cheesy banners along Bay Street? I suppose they're meant to help us identify with the individual personalities of local businesses, and in the process somehow enhance the sense of community. At first glance it seems that they've received universal support, however if you look closely you'll see that there's actually only 7 or 8 faces repeated along the strip. The community 'face' of faceless corporation Nando's is particularly amusing...

On the bottom of each banner is the tag line "You should see us now" (albeit in a font too small to be readable from ground level). Stripped of its advertising agency wrapping, this seems to translate to "Port Melbourne - it's not the dump you remember". Let's look forward to a time when the town is a little more sure of itself ... and not publicly represented by a chicken burger.